Strictly Forbidden
by Element's Sole Protector
Summary: Loki lays down some guidelines for interworld travel. Pet names are only okay on Earth, after all. Amazing image I don't own belongs to DreamingOfDecember!


This fandom… seriously. It's destroyed my whole life. I used to honestly have a life before this, where I worried about how little fanfiction I was posting and was a good little student. But apparently I buried that self on May 4 at 12:04 A.M.

_Argr_ is actually a real term. I didn't make it up. Wiki it if you must. I know of it because two _really awesome_ FrostIron fics use it, and I read both of them like the rabid devoted fan I am. If I remembered their names I'd recommend them, I swear it. But one's about an old lady named Mrs. Robinson, I believe, if that helps…?

This fic was supposed to be funny. It's serious. (Um, what?)

…I don't own _The Avengers_. Still going down with this ship, though.

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Strictly Forbidden

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"Let me make one thing _perfectly_ clear right now," Loki growled, holding Tony's neck hostage for what was not the second time, or even the fourth or tenth. "There are many things I allow because we are on Midgard, and because you are… amusing. But when I take you to Asgard there will be no 'pet names'. You will not address me as anything other than my name, and _that_ only because we are… familiar with one another. You will _not_ call me Reindeer Games, or Rock of Ages. And _under no circumstances will you call me '_babe_'_."

"Whoa… hey… breathing… becoming difficult," Tony managed, feeling his face approach the blue that only Loki could successfully pull off. When the god huffed out a sigh and lowered him to the floor, he took only a moment to recover the air in his lungs before turning his motor-mouth back on. "What, Asgardians don't like pet names? Nicknames? Assumed names even? I'm sure I could get them to like _my_ pet names, they're remarkable—and I'm _not_ going to expend oxygen calling you _Loki Sometimes Odinson But Mostly Laufeyson, Prince of Asgard, God of Mischief and Lies and Cold Things and Astronomical Sex—_"

"For _one moment_," the Jötun hissed, "can you be serious about _something_, Stark? This is not one of my schemes. No trickery or mischief may be involved here, and _certainly_ none of your usual flashiness. It is enough that I will be breaking a millennia-old law in taking you there—do not make me reconsider taking you as a plant or some other unnoticeable thing, or not bringing you at all!"

"Hey, babe—" Tony started, reaching out to clap Loki on the shoulder—but he backed off as he realized the slip, and as the god gave him a _look_ that could have frozen his balls off. "—Sorry. Look, _Loki_, there's no need to panic here. Everything's going to be fine. _Nobody_ parties like Tony Stark, right? And this thing up in Asgard—it's basically just one big party… well. With better alcohol. And better executives. And better _women_."

"You are _not_ easing my mind."

"I'll only have eyes for _you_ the whole night," Tony purred. He got Loki to lift one eyebrow, but not much else—yet if it were the other way around and the _Silvertongue_ was purring his way, Tony would be a billionaire puddle on the floor.

"That is already a given," Loki said smugly. And _damn_ if he couldn't out-'arrogant bastard' Tony four days out of five.

"Oh, _come on_. Can't I just _explain_ it to them? I promise I won't use formulas this time, I remember Switzerland just as well as you… I give _everyone_ nicknames, it's not just you—I'll help them understand."

"Asgard is not an extension of Midgard! They will not _understand_. Moreover, your _nicknames_ will give them an… an _incorrect_ impression concerning our relationship."

"We're together," Tony said. "And very happily fucking, I might add. What, do Asgardians frown on same-sex coupling?"

"No," Loki said from between gritted teeth, "but that is not the issue."

"What is, then? Oh, I know… as a crown prince you're required to find some nice noble girl to shack up with, is that it? You taking me to Asgard so you can decline some offer you never told me about? Some fair maiden eager to give you little black-haired mini-Lokis?"

If it was possible, the god's expression became even darker as he sputtered, "I am _required_ to do no such thing—you know _perfectly well_ that is not why I am doing this, Stark—as the less-favored second son, I am perfectly entitled to do what I want—and besides, I already _have_ children. I do not require or wish for any more."

_What?_

"…Um, we'll bring up _why_ you haven't asked me for child support _later_," Tony decided, his face going pale. "Right now I wanna figure this out. If they're not homophobic or hiding your future wife in a closet, what's their deal? Give me some kind of a hint, babe—"

"_Stop_ calling me that!" Loki snarled, _his_ face going abruptly pink.

"Why?" Tony was dumbfounded at this aggressive response, really he was. It was unprecedented before today. "What's so terribly wrong with me calling you _babe_ all of a sud—_oh_."

His brain fitted the pieces together. Loki had often mentioned that many among the Asgardians found his reliance on magic and trickery dishonorable at best, and (this was whispered) even _feminine_ at worst. Loki was often compared to Thor, both on Asgard and here, in terms of physical appearance and desirability. During Loki and Tony's (very) frequent marathon sex sessions, it was usually Loki who topped. At times he even insisted on it, and though Tony gave him grief about it he was really only joking. And then there were the times out in public where he'd put his walls up, just a little, to seem more aloof to those who hadn't already seen his softer side… and that one weird conversation Tony'd had with Thor where the god had made him promise never to treat Loki as he would Pepper or his other 'conquests'…

_Oh_.

"Yes," Loki said, with more bitterness than anger in his voice now, as he watched comprehension come over his lover's features. "You are thinking once more. You understand what it is I speak of."

"If you could shed some more light…?"

"Many a time have gods coupled with mortals, whether for sport or short timespans or… a more permanent basis. In that way you and I are not unique—nor is Thor, I suppose. But in every other recorded case, the god has _always_ been the dominant partner."

Tony blinked. "…You've got to be kidding."

"I do not jest."

"So when they had sex or whatever the human _never_—?"

"Never."

"Come on, _ever_?"

"No."

"But what if—"

"_No, Stark_," Loki growled. "It does not happen. It is not acceptable. Indeed, it is unheard of."

Tony had a sudden mental image of Loki writhing under him, face flushed, moaning loudly, after those few precious times that the god let Tony "take the lead" in their extracurricular activities. _Oh. Yeah. …Guess that really _wouldn't_ fly with the super manly types like Thor…_

"The word for such behavior—tolerating dominance from your partner, being the lesser, being the _woman_—is _argr_," Loki explained, spitting the last word like it was well-known venom. "And while it is one thing to occasionally let you taste power, while it is even _pleasurable_ for me at times, on Asgard… well. Suffice it to say, Stark, I will _not_ introduce you to my people only to suffer my masculinity coming into question the first time you call me _sweetheart_!"

"I'd kill anyone who questioned you," Tony said, and seriously meant it.

"That is touching but useless to me, as you would then be swiftly killed for your impudence," Loki rejoined. "And you would only make it worse. The whisperers would have their proof."

But the billionaire's brain was moving still more quickly, already into overdrive speeds. He would not be stopped until he had—

_Aha! An idea! Bingo._

"So then we'll just give them _my_ proof. That way I get to call you whatever I want while we're there, you get to pretend to hate it but actually enjoy it, _and_ my prim and proper Asgardian sort-of in-laws are assured that all is right with our relationship and thus the world."

"I have already told you, _you will not be calling me_—what?"

"Ohhhhhh right," Tony said, lifting one finger and smirking just a little. "I hadn't told you yet about the recordings. Oh well, desperate times, cat's out of the bag now—oh _ha ha_, Bruce. Bag full of cats, I get it, finally—"

"_Anthony Stark_," Loki growled. "Tell me what you have wrought. Just _what_ have you 'recorded' with your Midgardian technology?"

His grin became practically Cheshire in proportion. "I may have had JARVIS record some of our more… _enthusiastic_ performances."

The god's facial muscles went slack for several moments—then, miraculously (Tony had expected to be blasted), his growl became a purr. "You have this in a form that can be viewed?"

"Hell yes I do, Reindeer Games. Just say the word and all of Asgard gets to see you riding me like a horse."

"You would do this for me? You would feel no shame?"

"For you, babe, I'd do a lot. Even call you 'My Prince' for the week after all your buddies see me with my pants down. As long as I get to call you _sweetheart_ and _doll_ in public. It's only fair."

Loki's green eyes glittered; "Sentiment," he murmured to himself briefly, before looking up at his grinning lover. "Let us save this 'recording' as a last resort, shall we? I should like it to be a surprise."

"Gotcha," Tony affirmed, breathing in sharply as Loki moved in to bite his neck possessively. "JARVIS, you heard the sex god. Put that in a form accessible by the suit. From space. And Rainbow Land."

"_With pleasure, sir_."

* * *

They were transported back in a wash of blue light and laughter that could probably be heard on every realm. The three bodies, two godly and one human, did not take the waiting Avengers by surprise at all, even though they weren't supposed to be back for several more days.

Tony Stark was still howling with laughter as he readjusted to his planet's gravity and air supply; Loki, smirking from ear to ear, said smoothly to their other companion, "Come now, _brother_—I thought you wished only for my happiness and good humor."

Thor stomped off toward Avengers Tower red-faced, not even stopping as he fired back, "Loki, there are some things even your _brother_ shouldn't know."

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No, I am _not_ telling you just what happened in Asgard. XD


End file.
